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Remembering Old Dreams

I discovered blogs back in 2006 or so. I will never forget a link my friend A. sent me– it was a mom blog with a post about a toddler who had spread poop all over the kitchen counter. I was hooked. I started following this particular mom blog and was taken with it from the start. I wanted to do something like it but the pictures were so pretty– definitely not stock pictures but not point-and-shoot pictures either. The mom on this particular blog talked about the kind of camera she used and it was out of my budget at the time. So I thought I couldn’t start a blog, because I couldn’t post pretty pictures. The old dream wasn’t to be a photographer. The old dream was to be a blogger. I lost sight of that dream when I bought the fancy camera. I got caught up in taking pictures for pictures’ sake. I am not the most eloquent writer and I listened once when someone told me I was much stronger at taking pictures than I was at writing, even though the dream was blogging, not taking photos. In this transition time, though, it’s time to remember […]

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self-care

Showing Myself Grace

Ending the summer with a depressive episode is hard. I am okay and it certainly isn’t as bad as it could be, but it’s been bad enough that I broke out the light therapy for mornings. I haven’t been in-the-bed-paralyzed depressed, but I’ve been more paralyzed than I like to be. I’m trying to sever a relationship that is toxic, but it’s a years-long “friendship” which is hard to let go of. That letting go is part of what is bringing me down even though I know I am better off without this particular person in my life. I’m also down that my time with Oliver at home is coming to an end, as he starts Pre-K in a week. Even though I am not feeling the best emotionally, I am doing what I can to take care of myself physically. Here’s what’s saving me right now: I get up in the morning and put my teapot full of water on to boil, for my pour-over coffee. I take my medicines and supplements. In addition to my Synthroid and my Lo Loestrin FE, my current supplement regimen includes a One-A-Day for Women’s vitamin, Fish Oil, Co-Q-10, Biotin, and Alfa-Max alfalfa […]

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Remembering My Craft

Sometimes, being a photographer is like this for me. It can take weeks to recover from a wedding, where I don’t feel like picking up the camera at all. And then all of a sudden, I’m in a funk. And I don’t feel like picking up the camera, either. Uninspired, not at all remembering the joy behind just clicking the shutter button. Feeling like I see nothing of value worth documenting. But that’s not true, is it? Because everything around me is special to me– the people around me are special to me– so everything is worth photographing. J also says my eye doesn’t see things the way his sees them, so that’s something that makes the photography worth it to him, too. So, this is evidence that the depression is lying to me. I’m on my second morning of light therapy and today I’ve decided is a good day for reformatting all the memory cards and getting some good shots of the boys. It sounds silly, but sometimes I’ll just sit with the camera in the living room and put it up to my eye and click whatever I see right in front of me. Just to remember that […]

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self-care

taking care of my mental health

mood: slightly anxious I’ve been flirting with depression the past few days. It’s partly just the time of the month in my cycle, partly my own mental cycle. Nothing is really wrong in my life. I am under the care of a psychiatrist, but I’m leery of therapists these days. This is for two reasons: My most recent long-term therapist was not good with boundaries and it became a friendship, and she overcharged me as well. And then, I tried a different therapist after that long-term one, but she didn’t take insurance and was not helpful at all in trying to self-file….AND she was expensive. Plus, in my experience, I’ve found that therapists don’t tell me much that I don’t already know how to do. So, I’m left to go it alone with much self-care besides my doctor visits and medication. I definitely am compliant with my prescribed medication. I try to exercise. This consists of jogging and yoga. I am not very good at either one, either in regularity of attempts or in practice of actual doing. If it is going to get done, though, it gets done in the morning before I get my shower. First thing when […]

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self-care

Mindfulness

Change and acceptance are on my mind at the moment. I’m working on being more intentional in all things. I’m trying to make more room for meditation and exercise. With exercise in mind, I signed up and went to my first session of Jazzercise this morning. It kicked my tail in all the right places. I’ve lost 17 pounds in the past several months but I have kind of plateaued just doing it with diet alone, so it was time to find an exercise solution. It was a hard workout, but it felt good to participate. This is going to become a three times a week habit, hopefully. At least, it will be there, whether I choose to make it there or not. A strange weight loss triumph: I’ve lost so much weight that my wedding ring is too big now. I’ve switched to wearing an old sterling silver ring for now, until I lose enough weight that I am ready to resize my ring. Mindfulness is not a natural state for me. My mind is frequently lost in the past, not anywhere close to being in the present moment at all. It’s a hard source of my depressive states. […]

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