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Expressive, Writing

From Automatic to Manual

If this photography class has given me nothing else (which it has already, by the way), it has given me the confidence to move away from the automatic settings on my camera to working with the manual settings.  My instructor swears that eventually I will be happier with the results from having more control over settings.  For now, though, mostly this means blurry shots. I did manage to get this cool accident of a shot, of a door knob at church, complete with built-in effects.  I still haven’t completely figured out my shutter speed, obviously. Mostly otherwise, it’s meant lots and lots of blurry shots because of the shutter speed issue.  I also have issues with white balance. But, I think I like it. It will just take lots of practice. I don’t do well with photographing people, though.  Jared is encouraging, but people are hard for me.  I much prefer shooting inanimate objects that have no opinion, don’t purposefully pose for the camera, and can’t get me in trouble.  Little details (like the doorknob I was trying to get here) are much more fun for me. At first, I stressed over the assignment I will turn in tomorrow.  Documenting […]

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Expressive, Photos, Writing

Assignment 1

I’m taking a documentary photography class and I love it!  The first assignment went well and now that the first critique is over, I feel like I can breathe again.  Here are the shots I turned in for that first critique:

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Expressive, Faith, Photography as Vocation, Writing

A Little Serenity

I’m up today within the yummy morning window.  I’ve had time to write.  Laundry is on and I’m about to do the ten minutes of yoga for which I currently have stamina. Balance is what I seek today.  In the lull of normal life, I just want a normal, moderately productive day. I sit in front of the computer screen too much, looking at other women’s blogs which make life as mommy look unrealistically glamourous.  I look at the words and pictures which pour forth from these blogs and compare my own meager attempts at a web presence, comparing for no good reason because my own blog bursts full of my own creativity which is completely unique to me. Today, I will be more present as a mother and less present on social media. When the sun comes up I will sit on my front porch and drink whatever caffeinated beverage I can find in the kitchen.  I will read a devotional today.  I will actually clean house a little bit.  Today will be filled with peace and gratitude for my wonderfully mundane life. I’ve had days that weren’t quite so normal, on both sides of the spectrum.  I’m slowly […]

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Expressive, Family LIfe, Writing

Redefining Myself

I’m a self-defined workaholic who’s been in recovery for a while now.  My identity used to be wrapped up in whatever job I had at the time…and I’ve had a few cool jobs in my time.  But since my mental illness currently precludes my holding down a steady job for any length of time, I’ve been forced to look elsewhere (thankfully) for my self-worth. What does this mean?  It means I don’t look to a job title anymore to define my identity.  I’m not a “Such-and-Such Assistant” or a “This-and-That Specialist” anymore. At first, this loss of external identity was devastating.  If I couldn’t be working anywhere cool with an equally cool job title, then what did that mean about me? As an example of the extremes to which I used to take my job responsibilities, take the time Liam was 7 weeks old and had a high fever.  I took him to the ER and stayed with him while they did the spinal tap to make sure he didn’t have meningitis.  But once it was over, once Jared had arrived at the hospital, about 1 in the morning I flaked out completely on my family.  I went home in […]

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Expressive, Mental Health, Photography as Vocation, Writing

Working on Me

Yesterday and today, I’ve been doing some internal housekeeping. I rarely look at them anymore, but I felt compelled yesterday morning to get out the journals I kept from my last inpatient stay at the Local Friendly Mental Ward. For the most part, the theme of my journals was outwardly-centered:  I was worried about other people, not myself.  In fact, I could not concentrate at all on myself, as if it was a defense mechanism against falling apart completely. That’s a theme of what happens when I go psychotic:  I worry too much about other people, with pretty much no worry at all about what’s going on inside myself. It happened when I was 17:  I was worried about a good girlfriend. It happened when I was 18:  I was worried about a boyfriend. It happened when I was 19:  I was worried about another good girlfriend. It happened when I was 28:  I was worried about my employer. It happened when I was 30:  I was worried about yet another girlfriend and my employer. That’s the run-down, simplified.  There were side scenarios I was worried about each time as well, but above were the triggers.  Stress from worry made […]

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