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New Normal, Day 6: Rediscovering My Love of Primes

Let’s talk about this picture and my photography processes for a minute: I have taken more pictures around the house in the last three days than I probably have in the last three months. These are Japanese tulips on their last legs in my next door neighbor’s yard. I took this photo with the X-H1 and the 50mm f2. This picture has already been all over my Facebook, and my church’s Facebook, and Instagram, so it’s probably not a new picture to you if you are reading this. I sold off the last of all my prime lenses in 2018 to purchase the 50mm-140mm f2.8. I justified going all zooms because that was what was convenient for weddings, and I figured I could use them for personal projects too since the focal lengths overlapped and I had all the focal lengths covered. And let’s face it– the Fuji red-badge zooms really are rivaling all the Fuji primes in image quality. But…..the zooms are not compact, at all. Which makes throwing a camera in a purse not exactly a simple thing. And the thought processes behind photography with zooms is more complicated, as well. And, there is a big something to […]

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Forward Momentum

It’s time to think forward, not back. I hold a lot of anger about the past. Me being angry, though, doesn’t make a bit of difference on the outcome of any of those situations. Being angry only hurts me. I’ve started meditating as a means to bring peace to my brain. Also, it reminds me to think about now and the future, not the past. I have excellent things and people in my life and I am thrilled to be able to invest in them. I am no longer dedicating energy to life-draining people or projects. I recently got a high compliment on the featured image here, which I took on June 16, 2019. Someone told me I nailed the film photography look. That is exactly what I was going for. My goal is to be a hybrid wedding photographer…..shooting film and digital. For now, I am digital only, but I strive to make my photos look as film-like as possible. I do have a film camera I would like to be able to put to use, but it needs some work before it can be a workhorse camera. Photography is my lifeblood. My family and my true friends are […]

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Focused Healing

I’d like to say that every post here will be shiny and pretty and uplifting.  But, that just isn’t how I operate.  I get pretty bleak sometimes, baring my emotional scars.  Sometimes it feels like I’m wearing them on my forehead. I should heed the phrase, “trigger warning,” more carefully.  An article I read earlier whose title started with the phrase set me into this mood almost instantaneously. I was in a great mood late yesterday, upbeat about the world.  I was in the mood to make plans and those plans were realistic and progressive in nature.  Life was good. Life is still good.  Nothing about my external circumstances has changed.  I still intend to make and follow through with plans. Stupid article, that one I read last night, the one that sent me to the place that caused me to start drafting this post.  If I didn’t know better, I’d stop reading when I come across stuff like that.  Maybe I am finally learning to know better. Suffice it to say that I don’t wonder about evil in the world because I’ve seen it firsthand. That’s all I care to say about the causes of those scars.  The sources of […]

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“The Light”

A few years ago, an elderly friend shared with me this poem he’d written.  It’s been on display in my living room since then.  He was on my mind this afternoon, though, and I feel like it’s such a beautiful poem that it should be shared with the world, or at least my little audience. “The Light” It was late in the evening and darkness upon the land did lay. Then there was light light brighter than the day This was not the light of the sun or moon or the light of uncounted stars this was a light so clean and pure that even time stood still. Some, like me, stood in awe others to their knees did fall still others hid their faces in fear and horror not trusting the Lord for the morrow But as one watched and embraced the quiet the truth of the light was revealed only from the glow of the face of God could light such as this be real Then after a time, if time there was a change in the light began the light quietly faded and the show of love began Color never before seen by man the soft color […]

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New Routines

It’s been a long (and a little scary) week, but things are better now.  I’ll be getting back to my routine, a new routine, starting tomorrow, at home with my boys. As I said on Facebook yesterday, I sure do love my family.  That’s all I’ll say about them for now. I had appointments with both my psychiatrist and my therapist this week and they thought I am doing “fantastically well,” as my therapist put it.  My pdoc told me to remember that I am a human being and that my illness is just something I deal with, so he wants me to stop going to two therapists.  That means no more visits to the Local Friendly Mental Ward aftercare; he thought I should just go to my normal group therapy and for individual with my normal therapist.  I’m okay with that, though I will miss the therapist at the hospital. I’ve been doing a lot of knitting this week, with size 4 needles and small yarn and the shortest little circular needles I’ve ever seen.  It’s different to not pop out a project within a few hours as I’ve been working on the same little hat all week long […]

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Feedback for Monitoring Illness

As I said in my last post, I have my own self-checks that I can do regarding my illness, but for the really scary psychotic symptoms, I have to rely on other people to tell me how I’m doing.  I see my therapists enough that we all hope they’ll notice something is off before the general public does. But how’s that for a hearty lack of self-assurance?  Therapy twice a week works to help head off a major breakdown, but it also serves as a check-in with those who have seen me at my, well, craziest, though I don’t use the word often.  At any rate, I still grapple with the fact that those same people who are there to help me get past my issues are also doing a check on my mental capacity.  It’s for my own good, I know.  I even enjoy my time with my therapists.  But there’s something about the very fact that I have to go that makes me feel ashamed. There, I said it.  I’m ashamed.  I’m ashamed and I’m scared another psychotic break is just around the corner.  I’m waiting for it to happen any day.  In my mind it’s a question […]

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