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depression, Mental Health

Well, It’s a Start

It’s been a rough month and a half. Some days I feel like I might be starting to see light. And then I get angry and retreat to my bed again. The featured photo is our cat, Nancy. She is our oldest son’s cat. I am feeling very protective and want to insulate my family. I am very angry about the current direction of our country. My psych meds probably kept me out of the hospital in June. I do not want to share my kids with people who voted for Trump, even family. Especially family. I lay all of this at their feet. There was plenty of evidence that voting for Trump was a bad idea. And we are seeing the fallout of voting for extreme conservatives in the name of Supreme Court nominations. I have problems even with people who only voted for him in 2016 but not 2020. The alarms were going off in 2016 too. Seeing the light in 2020 is too late. So I am taking less pictures of the kids, and Jared and I are not posting photos of the kids at all on social media anymore. When a memory pops up that I […]

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depression, Mental Health, Writing

Caroline’s New and Improved 10-Point Mood Scale

The last time I was admitted to the outpatient program of the Local Friendly Mental Ward, I composed a 10-point mood scale to be used daily, to pinpoint where I am emotionally and what I can do each day to help manage my day. For the last several months, that mood scale has sat on my nightstand doing nothing, untouched. It occurred to me this morning that this document should be no different than my journal, or this blog, even.  For it to be relevant, the 10-point mood scale has to be a living document.  So, I revised it.  Feel free to modify for your own use!  The revision follows. Caroline’s 10-Point Mood Scale 0 = Depressed = Suicidal. Hopeless. Tearful. Angry. Sleep all the time. Tense.  High or low appetite.  Lethargic.  Irritable.  Difficulty concentrating.  Call Therapist.  Call Psychiatrist.  Call someone else safe and familiar with situation.  Go to ER….all viable options.  Do something healthy to distract, like knitting, or petting the cat, or watching TV, or finding inspirational sayings.  Journal.  Get through the moment…it will pass.  There is hope! 1 = Depressed = Hopeless. Tearful.  Sleep all the time. Angry.  Tense.  High or low appetite.  Lethargic.  Irritable.  Difficulty concentrating..  […]

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Be-Bop, depression, Family LIfe, Writing

Forgiveness, Please Find Me

So, here I am the morning after writing a scathing lament about being alone with the brand new Baby Bump, my very own Porter Price, in the NICU. Here I am, washed out.  I hid out at a local coffee shop last night for a few hours.  I had words with Jared, to put it nicely.  I cried myself to sleep last night. I want to be a nice person, I really do.  But the reality is, I’m not.  I hold grudges.  I never forget anything, ever.  I rarely forgive. Here we are, seven summers after that NICU nightmare, and I still feel the pain like it’s happening right now.  I relive the fear.  I ache with loneliness.  I sorely miss the women on my messageboard who were my rock that summer. Once, that bitty alien baby was the baby in that scary picture I posted yesterday, the one where I was holding my firstborn for the first time and he was screaming from the pain of being cold.  I was just about as equally uncomfortable at the time, terrified I would hurt him. You know what my worst fear on taking Porter home was?  I was afraid of holding […]

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depression, Family LIfe

For Me to be a Better Mom, My Children go to Daycare

I can admit it:  I’ve been so self-absorbed with a low self-esteem now for years, really since a couple of months since Rock Steady was born, that I’ve let J take the lead with childrearing because I felt like I was not good enough.  That self-absorption led to a self-fulfilling prophecy, as my mental health spiraled out of control.  So here I am on disability on the basis of my mental illness. Now, J is a one of the world’s greatest dads,  right up there with my own dad and my father-in-law.   He handles way more than one person should have to with grace, on a regular basis, both at work and at home.  What I am writing about this morning is not meant to diminish his efforts at all.  I want to be a better partner and mother, is all. It’s time for me to pick myself up by the bootstraps and be a better mother and partner. I don’t think I’ll ever be the kind of mom that cooks three course meals nightly or keeps a dust-free house.  People I know encouraged me to strive for a dust-free home when Be-Bop was a toddler, because of his […]

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