depression, Mental Health

Well, It’s a Start

It’s been a rough month and a half.

Some days I feel like I might be starting to see light. And then I get angry and retreat to my bed again.

The featured photo is our cat, Nancy. She is our oldest son’s cat.

I am feeling very protective and want to insulate my family. I am very angry about the current direction of our country. My psych meds probably kept me out of the hospital in June.

I do not want to share my kids with people who voted for Trump, even family. Especially family. I lay all of this at their feet. There was plenty of evidence that voting for Trump was a bad idea. And we are seeing the fallout of voting for extreme conservatives in the name of Supreme Court nominations.

I have problems even with people who only voted for him in 2016 but not 2020. The alarms were going off in 2016 too. Seeing the light in 2020 is too late.

So I am taking less pictures of the kids, and Jared and I are not posting photos of the kids at all on social media anymore. When a memory pops up that I want the big boys to see, I send it to them in Messenger rather than blasting it for all of Facebook to see. I have locked down all my social media accounts and blocked a lot of people, even family. I know parts of my family will probably send photos to the parts of the family I don’t want seeing them because they don’t respect boundaries like that, but Jared has at least agreed not to.

I waffle whether I want an activated Facebook profile on any given day.

Arguably, not sharing photos of the children was healthier position to begin with. My children deserve their privacy. I was among the majority of parents who disregarded it in favor of my own popularity when they were little. It’s definitely time to change that.

I need to get the camera out more. I carry it with me everywhere I go, but I rarely actually get it out to take pictures. I feel better on the days I take pictures.

Some days I think about just selling the cameras and being done with photography altogether. We paid off a crap ton of debt at the beginning of the month and I’d have a signficant amount to pay toward the remaining debt if I did away with the cameras.

Or, I think about selling the GFX and it’s lens and just making do with the cheap little Canon RP and the consumer RF lenses Canon has started putting out. We just won’t ever have the money for the lenses I really want for either the Canon or the GFX.

We paid off $23k in debt between the beginning of June and July 8. It’s a lot. Three credit cards, a personal loan, and a car loan. My brain says it’s not nearly enough. There’s still another car loan and another personal loan left. And while I like our new house, I am really regretting letting go of the 20 year 2.25% mortgage we had with a roughly $80k less balance, though I know from just climbing stairs elsewhere that I couldn’t be sleeping in our bedroom at this point anymore had we stayed in that house. My knees just can’t do stairs anymore. So I know the house move was the right decision, it’s jus easy to look back and say “well,” in hindsight.

I don’t want to do gigs for people who voted for Trump, either. Which is why fine art photography is more appealing now. I never made enough to make professional client-centered photography worth it to me anyway. I’ve always paid to be able to do gigs for other people.

I really want to move away from here since it is totally red country but that is not an option at the moment. I’d move out of the United States if I had my way about it.

I mean, I’m pretty deeply depressed. But today is the first time in a really long time that I could even face pulling up the blog to put words to my feelings. And, I’m out of the bed. So, I guess that’s some sort of progress.

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