Site icon Mental Camera

Moving, Photos, and Hard Stuff

Moving

Moving, photos, and hard stuff– We are moving out of our house a week from two days from now. The initial closing disclosures for the loan on the new house have arrived and been signed. It’s a for sure real thing, and I am excited. We drive by the new house at least once a day.

Moving, photos, and hard stuff– I feel like I should be more in my feelings about this change, but I really only see it as a positive change. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to live in our current house. It has been a great place to live. It has made me less afraid of storms. It is a rock solid house. I feel like I have mellowed a lot in living here. And goodness knows, the equity that grew while we lived here the past five years has only helped our economic position.

Moving

The new house, though…..that is my dream house. That is the house we can move into and I will immediately feel like it is ours. There won’t be a million things I want to change about it. We are having painting and flooring done and a door for Porter’s room. I might change out a few light fixtures, curtains. That’s it. Ever since Jared and I moved back to Georgia and started house hunting, I really wanted an all brick house on one level in a nice neighborhood. That’s exactly what this house is. I have a lengthy now wish-list I intend to begin purchasing from at http://amazon.com once we are in the house.

Jared is talking about holding back our camping stuff from the movers. That way we can actually stay in the new house whenever we want after closing. We’ll see if that happens, but I am super-excited. Thankfully, Jared seems to be happy about the move, too.


Moving, Photos, and Hard Stuff

This month has been hard. Steve, my ex, has been in jail. I am coming to terms with the fact that he is an alcoholic. I am coming to terms with the fact that he has likely been an alcoholic all along and I just never knew it. I have made the decision to not try to be his friend anymore. He is too dangerous and his circumstances are too desperate to be safe. He really has no one.

For a long time I tried to save him from himself because I’ve known about his capacity to be self-destructive for the entire time I have known him. I tried to be there for him as his friend as much as he would let me. Because that was always our thing. He told me when I was 15 that he was suicidal and from then on I took his life as my responsibility. He is an alcoholic, and I am a codependent. We were what we are when we were babies.

Hard Stuff

Moving, photos, and hard stuff– Nevermind the fact that I have known for over 20 years that he is dangerous. We were mostly incommunicado for 10 years and during that time, I was terrified he would show up and kill me. I thought he would try to kill me when we were braking up 20 years ago, and there were a couple of scary episodes that justified that fear during that time.

But, during that time we were incommunicado after we broke up, I was mostly a happier person in general. A big part of staying in touch with him for the past ten years was keeping him where I knew where he was. Nevermind the fact that I am a very happily married woman (to someone else).

My therapist says codependence is like heroin– an addiction. I will learn to resist. So far, so good. As I said in my last post, it is way beyond time to say goodbye. I do not have to watch someone I once loved quite a lot self-destruct. I can focus on my own life and my marriage. Life is better when I am more mindful and do not let my mind drift into he past.


Photos

I have filled my next two weekends with photo sessions. I am determined to stay busy as a photographer even if I am not actively doing weddings right now.

Moving, photos, and hard stuff– *sigh* As for weddings….

I’ve already turned down one inquiry. And it broke my heart because it was my favorite venue. I have started upping my physical activity in the effort to get into better shape. I feel awfully young to be giving into physical complaints. My mama joked at church a couple of weeks ago that I am a 100 year old woman and in many ways, she is not wrong. If I can build my upper body strength sigificantly, I may throw my name back in the wedding industry. Just not now.

But I won’t lie– doing portrait sessions has been extremely satisfying in a way that weddings just never were. The time with the client is less pressure, and the post processing has been intentionally more intense but the nature means there are inherently less photos to process. Which means I have more time to give each of them more attention, and it shows in the outcome of the work.

All in all, life is good.

Love, Caroline

Exit mobile version