Change Comes Slowly

The sun is rising and that makes me think of the promise of the new day today. I have my coffee, the house is quiet, I have time to think. I have some music playing. It’s pretty great.

I often get upset with myself over so many things, but one of those things is not being disciplined enough. For example, our house is perpetually messier than I like and we always have piles of laundry waiting to be done. When I really stop to think, though, what just the past five years have been like– when I stop to think how we’ve just been in survival mode for so much of that time– I am sometimes able to cut myself a little bit of a break. And, when I am gentler on myself, I find myself willing to think about getting a little more disciplined. Funny how that works.

After all, change doesn’t happen all at once, does it? I know this in theory, yet my impatience gets the best of me more often than not and that impatience paralyzes me from making even the smallest of changes. When I stop to be nicer in my thoughts to myself, it’s much easier to make even tiny changes.

Jared and I have come such a long way in so many ways in the past five years. With my breakdown in 2010, there came an opportunity to start over, in many ways. It hasn’t been a smooth process at all and there’s still a lot of growing to do. For my part, I held such a romanticized view of what marriage and life should be like. When things didn’t go as I thought they should, I’ve had meltdowns that I am not proud of. I’ve said things I am not proud of. I’ve made amends as possible to Jared but there are others who will always look on in judgment at me and I am coming to terms with that fact.

For today, I will concentrate on having a great day with my family, along with getting a couple of small things done around the house. Change for me comes one small step at the time.

I will get more answers tomorrow, hopefully, about the thyroid issues because I have I an appointment to get the results of some further testing. I’m trying to be calm about it but I am nervous.

That’s all for now, in my typical stream-of-thought style.

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