As I said in my last post, I have my own self-checks that I can do regarding my illness, but for the really scary psychotic symptoms, I have to rely on other people to tell me how I’m doing. I see my therapists enough that we all hope they’ll notice something is off before the general public does.
But how’s that for a hearty lack of self-assurance? Therapy twice a week works to help head off a major breakdown, but it also serves as a check-in with those who have seen me at my, well, craziest, though I don’t use the word often. At any rate, I still grapple with the fact that those same people who are there to help me get past my issues are also doing a check on my mental capacity. It’s for my own good, I know. I even enjoy my time with my therapists. But there’s something about the very fact that I have to go that makes me feel ashamed.
There, I said it. I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed and I’m scared another psychotic break is just around the corner. I’m waiting for it to happen any day. In my mind it’s a question of when, not if it happens.
The shame comes from that stupid societal stigma, though….